In theory, all of the previous section sounds ideal, but for many women, such a purposeful relationship with their mother never happens. Is it just an individual occurrence, or is there in fact a general trend away from such traditions?

Up until only a few hundred years ago, the tradition of the elders being venerated for their experience and wisdom was social law in all societies. It was this hierarchy of respect which bound communities together and it was through these customs that the spiritual knowledge was passed on down the generations. It is through this custom that humanity still holds much of the knowledge it values today. But on all continents, it is now only the indigenous cultures who maintain such traditions and even those remnants are slowly being eroded by “white man’s laws” and the disrespect of modern culture.

However one traditional culture stands out as being even more universally accepted today than ever before – and that is yoga. I believe a most accessible and relevant way to help reintroduce such tradition, and to bring women back to their rightfully respected place, is through the ancient methods of yoga and tantra.

Many mothers unfortunately do flounder or fail in their duty of care at some stage during their life, either through ignorance, neglect, familial or social circumstances, a by-product of their own maternal neglect or sometimes just an unrecognised incompatibility with the vocation of parenthood. This last condition, I believe is possibly the greatest cause of many broken homes and many neglected children. Unterminated accidental pregnancies (read unplanned and sometimes unwanted children) along with the popular expectation that most women want to “get married and have babies” have led to an enormous number of women (often very young and inexperienced) being the mothers they didn’t want to be. Simply having a womb does not necessarily qualify one to be a good mother, or even a mother at all.

Whilst some women have consciously chosen not to have children, others have accidentally not had children. These are the professional women who, in their late 30’s and even 40’s, realise – “Oh my God. I forgot to have a baby”. These are the ones filling up the IVF clinics in search of their lost fertility. Whilst many women have consciously chosen their motherhood, many have had it accidentally or reluctantly thrust upon them. The outcome of the latter frequently leaves them battling not only with themselves but also with their children. Unplanned motherhood frequently equates with unprepared motherhood or even unwanted motherhood. I consider this to be one of the major causes for the loss of traditional motherhood skills and a lessening of the “knowledge base” amongst mothers today.

Another reason for the loss of motherhood knowledge is termed “the conspiracy of silence” amongst women, both as peers and from mother to daughter. Women writers are breaking the silence, some of them telling how bad, uncomfortable, lonely, mind bending, exploited and miserable modern day motherhood can be, and they are angry that no-one told them. Due to many personal and social constraints, many mothers did not, and still do not, seem able to clearly communicate with their daughters just what all this baby stuff is about until they are already too deeply into it. And it is true that all women must be more honest with each other about the realities of birthing and mothering.

But the blame cannot lie totally with our mothers or those around us who did not tell all. What of the expectations of today’s women? Did women of previous generations have a less sore perineum than today, or did they just more readily accept it as one small part of giving birth? Was a day in the life of a housewife with two kids who had a couple of part-time (unpaid) jobs in the community really any more or less miserable than that same role today? I doubt it. I think the women of the last few generations have a lot of self-assessment to do about their attitudes to motherhood and much exploration to do in search of the hidden elements within mothering which could provide more pleasure and purpose than is presently acknowledged. It seems to me that so few, of both the analysts and their subjects, are going beneath the surface of the issues to address why women today, so capable in so many other areas of their lives, sense – or in fact know – that they are making such a hash of motherhood.

The knowledge women need is not solely the practical skills, but equally importantly, the spiritual skills I have been addressing so far. We would not let untrained drivers onto the roads, nor untrained pilots into aircraft and yet, as a society and as parents, we fail to properly train our daughters to be well prepared and capable mothers in all the aspects which motherhood involves. There is also the misguided faith that women will somehow “just work it out”, but surely the confusion surrounding motherhood is testimony that women aren’t able to just work it out anymore. Something is missing, but rather than it being something outside of ourselves, I see it as simply a missing cog in the perception of one’s role as a mother.

Typically as a young woman begins going through the experiences of adolescence, particularly if her relationship with her mother is not strong, she seeks counsel from those she perceives as more knowledgeable than herself. Often her mother’s advice and knowledge is discarded as irrelevant and old fashioned. Worse still some girls may see their mother as hypocritical, particularly if the adult behaviour does not appear to the child to match the advice. Peer pressure is at its most intense and is fuelled by a supply of glossy magazines and unattainable images of femininity. Mothers who are still repressed about their own sexuality are unable to offer real guidance to their daughters and will, through direct or indirect means, try to stifle the emerging sexuality of these young women. Such a girl is then left rudderless to steer a course through the experiences of a changing body and the politics of sex.

Many adolescent girls go through a period of rejection of their mothers. Whilst this may be quite common it is not necessarily normal since there are girls and women who have great friendships during this phase. As the younger woman seeks to assert her own identity beyond her mother’s expectations, the mother, if she is wise, patient and clear about her own identity, will weather the storms of her daughter’s adolescence. From out of this a more mature relationship may emerge, as the young girl becomes a woman and moves into her next phase.

If the mother / daughter relationship does not progress into adulthood with a closeness and respect, then a young woman rejects the family to find her own way in the world. Some are lucky, some are resourceful, and some do manage to mature sufficiently. But many more remain stuck eternally in their adolescence, unable to understand their own womanhood as it unfolds. If / when their phase of motherhood begins, they are poorly equipped to guide their daughters in such matters, thereby perpetuating the same old cycles for another generation.

Modern feminist debate has now raged for the best part of a century about rights and choices for women, but how much have women really gained when so many still feel unfulfilled, pressured, confused, disempowered and disembodied when it comes to the biological function of giving birth? Many young women approach physical maturity today by detaching from their bodies, and if / when motherhood approaches they then have a big job of trying to get back in touch with their bodies. So many women that I teach today, both young and old, relate primarily to their mind and seem unable to listen and respond to their bodies. They cannot perform even the simplest exercises without their mind pulling them away into other thoughts. So many suppress menstrual pain instead of investigating what it indicates. Many approach pregnancy and birthing with a high degree of reticence – largely due to an innate fear of pain and bodily ignorance.

True womanhood is now masked in the guise of what I call fake femininity. Being a “real” woman is most often something contrived and created from outside rather than an _expression of what is inside. As I perceive it, much of the female liberation of the past fifty years has had little effect on the self image of women in general. Many are actually further away from natural womanhood than their predecessors. From the corsets and stays of their grandmothers’ day, so many now torture themselves towards identical body shapes through dieting, eating disorders, obsessive exercise and cosmetic surgery – all to transform themselves into something other than who / what they really are.

According to popular contemporary standards, to be feminine one must be hairless, flawless, odourless, (though smelling like a flower is OK), tall, thin, preferably beautiful, and definitely bloodless. That most womanly thing of all, the vivid, red monthly reminder of our own unique ability to create another life must never be seen, even by ourselves it seems. This downward cycle of blood, representative of regenerative cleansing, (not cleansing due to internal dirtiness), is still, even today, hidden and euphemised. We are supposed to be absolutely unaffected by it, carry on regardless, swimming, riding horses, having continual fun, wearing the sexiest body-hugging clothes, etcetera. These mainstream attitudes, the advertising and the products all amount to a fundamental psycho-social repression of this most natural and essential female function.

I believe very few Western women today have a proper appreciation of their body in all its manifestations. Our own mothers, as well as having to overcome their own inhibitions towards womanhood, had to jostle for position with the ever increasingly popular media to try to guide us through the minefield of adolescence. Many post-war generation mothers rightly wanted to help free their daughters from the perceived drudgery of being a woman. Those of a progressive mind encouraged their daughters to use contraception so that they would be free to explore their sexuality without fear of pregnancy. The use of tampons and disposable pads has been well accepted for at least fifty years, so how could we ever consider going back to the bad old days of “rags” and unwanted pregnancies? But surely we now reap the by-products of what was previously sown. The real cost of popular items such as tampons, pads and artificial contraception is that very few women really understand what happens inside their own bodies each month. Ovulation may well be understood intellectually by most women, but certainly not experientially. The easy disposal of menstrual “inconvenience” and its by-products have removed women from the reality of their monthly period and created a very lucrative industry that most women actually think is essential!

But there are alternatives. In later chapters I will be outlining more natural approaches which actually help to free a woman of her self ignorance and assist her to feel good about everything that womanhood entails.

Social scientists are constantly examining human behaviour and discovering nothing other than what generations of lay people have already known! These “findings” soon become the property of their discoverers, not because they are any more correct than commonsense, but because of the respect afforded to the science faculties and the media which promote them. As a result, even if you do have a trusting relationship with your mother, do you fully believe what she knows is right, unless it has been confirmed by the latest “studies”?

The voice of the wise woman has been silenced, especially in the patriarchal birthing industry. These days, real experience counts for very little. Only those who are “qualified” may speak, and so our own mothers’ knowledge has been usurped by science, sociology, medicine and peer group fashion. Having trouble with period pain? Don’t ask your mother, ask the pharmacist for the latest drug. Boy trouble? Turn to the glossy magazines.

Eventually, when the challenging phase of child rearing comes into our lives, to whom do we turn? Do we choose our nearest and dearest, a truly wise and knowledgeable person, someone carrying the well-trodden traditions of our (female) lineage? Most frequently we do not. The surrounding choices are so loud and so many, that such a mass of popular opinion cannot help but drown out our own intuition.

Extracts from the Book “Mother as First Guru”
By Swami Gurupremananda Saraswati - Copyright 2002.