~Anonymous~

On This Rainy Night; Every Girl’s Birthright

This story is a provocative vision of all that a mother could do for her daughter at the time of the first menses. Written by a woman as a way of healing from her own mother’s inability to help her during this time, this vision is so startling that we may be shocked or offended by it - but this, too, is helpful, for it makes us reflect upon all we are afraid to do for our own daughters at this time in their lives.

It’s raining out tonight and my mom and I are at home alone. My dad is gone for the weekend. The house is warm inside and I can smell dinner cooking. I feel loved and protected by my mother on this rainy night.

I’m in my bedroom changing my clothes when I discover blood in my panties. I am overwhelmed by what I see even though I have been expecting this and have looked forward to it for a long, long, time. My mom and I have talked about menstruation and female things very openly and positively ever since I can remember.

When I realize what has happened, I start to cry and call out for my mom to come to my bedroom. When she walks into my room, there are tears running down my face but I am so very happy. I need my mom to hold me and help me cope with this. I am standing in the middle of my room with my panties down to my knees. I am not embarrassed for my mother to see my vulva because she has seen it many times and makes me feel good about my femaleness and the way my body looks. I am not ashamed for her to see the new hair between my legs and my new curvy hips.

Crying, I tell her I think I have started my period and I show her the blood in my panties. She smiles warmly and reaches out her arms for me. I feel total love and acceptance from her right now. She holds me softly in her arms for a long time and confirms that this is indeed my period. I see a tear in her eye when she says quietly and softly that we have been waiting for this special day for a long time and that it is indeed good. She asks me how I am feeling. With complete trust and confidence, I tell her that I am feeling happy, sad, scared and excited all at the same time.

We walk into the bathroom and she washes out my panties in the sink with soap and cold water. Gently, she shows me how to do it. She tells me that blood might get on my sheets when I sleep or in my pants in the daytime. She assures me that she will never yell at me about it because it is a normal thing that happens to every woman, including her, no matter how careful you are. She tells me that we will clean these blood stains out together whenever they happen.

She tells me to wipe my vagina to see if anymore blood is dripping out. I worry that maybe it’s all a mistake and that I’m not really having my first period after all. She smiles and says that she thinks it really is here. Then we go into her bathroom and she lets me pick what kind of pad that I want to use until we can go to the store. I feel like a princess. We go back to my room and I get a clean pair of panties from my drawer and she shows me how to wear the pad. She asks me if I feel any cramps. I tell her I don’t feel any pain. I love the way she cares for me.

A little while later, she tells me that dinner is ready. We talk about how perfect it is that we are alone on this special night. We decide to celebrate by lighting red candles and drinking wine. I only drink a little bit of wine but I feel grown up doing it. We say a prayer and thank God for my femaleness and the joy we both feel to see my blood come on this wonderful night.

Throughout dinner, we talk about my period and hers, too. We decide that it’s a female-only thing that a man could never fully understand emotionally or spiritually. During dinner my mom asks me if I would like to celebrate this night by going to the store to get all of the things I need. Finally, she asks me if I would like to take a bath with her when we get home. I say yes. I am so happy.

After dinner we check my pad and see some blood on it. I ask my mom if it’s supposed to be this brownish color and she assures me that it is perfect. Exactly perfect blood.

Then we go drive to the store and spend half an hour looking at all the things I might need - pads, tampons, cramp medicine, everything. My mom tells me that I can get whatever I want, whatever feels right. She says that we can go home and practice with them all night if I want. I pick one box of thin pads, one box of thicker pads, a box of junior tampons and some cramp medicine just in case. I confide in her that I am embarrassed to buy these things because everyone in the store will know I am having my period. She says she understands exactly how I am feeling and assures me that she will protect me against my fears. We make sure to go to a checkout stand with a woman checker.

On the way home, we stop at Victoria’s Secret and my mom lets me buy things to celebrate my new femininity and power. The store looks and feels soft inside.

It smells beautiful, too, and I love being here. We buy bath salts, bubble bath, bath powder, scented lotion and a beautiful, lacy pink nightgown. It’s the smallest size they have. I love it. My mom makes me feel worthy of these gifts on this special night.

When we get home we fill her bathtub with warm water. It’s a huge sunken bathtub and there are mirrors and white carpet all around. We light the room only with red candles and put the bath salts and bubble bath into the water. The room starts to smell wonderful and I am so happy to be here with my mom. Female energy embraces the entire place. When the bath is ready, we take our clothes off. I am not ashamed for my mom to see all of my femaleness and my new body - new breasts, new vulva, new hips. My pad has a little bit more blood on it and I show my mom. She assures me again that my bleeding is exactly perfect. I see my mom’s nakedness and I feel good about the way her female body looks, too.

We step into the bath and we sit at either end facing each other and talk and talk and talk. She tells me so many things I want to know - female myths and secrets around bleeding and her experiences around her first period. I love it that she is sharing these things with me.

She tells me that before my period each month I may feel bloated and my breasts may be swollen and tender. She says that I may smell my period’s musky scent when I am sitting or standing but that no one else will smell it. She assures me that it’s a perfectly beautiful scent and nothing to be embarrassed about. She also tells me that my vagina will start to have a new, stronger scent from now on and that it is good to begin washing between my labia whenever I bathe. She assures me that the smell of my vagina is a good scent so long as it is fresh. She tells me that I can always come to her if I think it smells different than it normally does. She tells me that I will also start to have white or yellowish discharge on my panties between my periods and that it is also normal and healthy unless it itches or changes a lot. She assures me that I can always talk to her because she had scents and discharge she wasn’t sure about either.

She lets me know that my blood will sometimes be brown, sometimes dark red and sometimes bright red. She tells me that sometimes it will be clumpy and sometimes more fluid. She tells me that some months I will bleed heavier than others and that it may take a couple of years before my periods become regular. She tells me that together we can chart it each month on a special calendar and look for signs that my period is about to start. She tells me that before my period I may feel emotional and cry easily, and that she oftentimes feels this way before her period. She tells me that her period makes her feel in touch with her femaleness and her core being. She tells me that all of these feelings are the gift of being female.

She tells me that a lot of women and girls like to treat themselves in a special way during their periods by creating menstrual rituals or by pampering themselves. She tells me that she likes to take long baths with candles and soft music. She also likes to spend time alone reading poetry and writing in her journal. To her, her period is a time when she can tap into her soul.

Before we get out of the bathtub she looks into my eyes and tells me how important it is to her that I feel affirmed in my femaleness and in touch with my body as a woman. She tells me how right and good it is for us as women to embrace our sexuality and our bodies - the way we look, smell, taste. She tells me that as I grow up I will start to feel stronger sexual feelings and that it is good to have these feelings and know how to respond to them. She tells me that it’s normal to feel more sexually aroused around my period and that it’s a wonderful way to feel.

After our bath I put on clean panties and a pad. We both put the new scented lotion and powder we bought all over our bodies. We smell so beautiful and feminine. My mom asks me how I’m feeling and I tell her I’m happy we’ve had this talk and am so thankful she is here to share all of my confidences. I feel so comfortable knowing that I can talk to her about these things even though they can be embarrassing.

I ask her if she will show me how to put in a tampon and she says she would love to help me. We sit on the bed together and read the directions from the tampon box. My mom asks me if I would like to look at my vulva with a hand mirror so I can see how the diagram in the directions corresponds to my body. I say I would. She gets the mirror and I take off my panties. Sitting on the bed, I put the mirror between my legs and look at my open vulva in the mirror for the first time. My mom sits next to me and affirms that it looks beautiful and perfect. My mom points to each part of my vulva and tells me its proper name: my mons, my labia majora, my labia minora, my clitoral hood, my clitoris, my urethra, my hymen, and my perineum. She tells me how important it is to be comfortable with my body in a world that has taught women to keep their legs crossed. She wants me to always cherish the way my beautiful vulva-flower looks and feels. I feel so close to her knowing that I can share this private part of me. I smell my fingers and wonder if this is how I should smell. I ask her if she would smell my fingers to see what she thinks. She says she will and does so. She smiles and says that I smell perfect and wonderful and just like she does. I am so happy she is here for me tonight.

I ask her if she ever looks at her vulva with a mirror and she says she does. I ask her if hers looks like mine and she says yes. I tell her that I noticed her labia were more spread open even when her legs were together and that mine just looked like a slit. She tells me that as I become a woman, and especially after I start having sex, mine will stretch open like hers. She assures me that this is a very normal thing that happens to women’s bodies.

Gently, she tells me that when I am feeling sexual tension or energy in my vagina, it’s a normal desire to want to touch myself, and that doing it is a wonderful way to explore my femaleness. She tells me that it is very normal and healthy for a girl to satisfy her sexual desires by stroking her lips and clitoris with her fingers. She tells me that my vulva will respond by getting swollen and wet, and that doing this can bring about a wonderful, tingly sensation called an orgasm. She tells me that it can also feel good to lay with my hips under the bathtub faucet and let the water run between my labia and onto my clitoris. She tells me that these are wonderful ways to get in touch with my sexuality and learn what feels good to me before I share my sexuality with another person someday. I confide in her that I have already learned to stroke my clitoris but have not had an orgasm. She says that she is happy to know that I have sexual feelings and am learning to satisfy myself. She assures me that I will probably be able to bring myself to orgasm soon and that most girls can have orgasms when they are teenagers. She tells me that women of all ages touch themselves this way and that she still likes to touch herself and has done it since she was a girl.

She tells me that orgasms can also relieve menstrual cramps, and that touching myself is a nice way to nurture myself during my period. She encourages me to explore my sexuality and tells me that I walk through those gardens with her blessing. She also tells me that it is a private thing that is best to do when I am alone.

Finally it is time to learn how to put in the tampon. First, my mom suggests that I put Vaseline on my middle finger so I can put it into my vagina to see what I feel like inside where the tampon will sit. I put my finger inside my vagina and love the way it feels soft and warm. Then my mom puts Vaseline on the tampon so it will slide easily into my vagina. I am nervous to put it inside of me but my mom puts her arm around me and assures me that it cannot get lost. Then she shows me how to hold it and slide it in. I do it and it works! I can’t even feel it. My mom hugs me and tells me I’m a pro.

After that, she brings the candles into the bedroom and asks me if I would like a back rub to relax. I tell her I would love it. In the candlelight, I lay on the bed naked and my mom rubs my back. She says that menstruation is a wonderful time for a mother and daughter to draw close together. She assures me that she will always be here to rub my back and hold me in her arms when I have cramps or just need her. I feel closer to her tonight than I ever have in my life. While she rubs my back, I tell her how much this night has meant to me and how much I love her. She tells me that it has meant very much to her, too, and that she loves me. She reminisces about how much she always wanted a baby girl so that she could someday have nights like this. She tells me that she hopes I always feel safe to talk to her about my body and my sexual feelings. She tells me that she always felt alone when she was growing up and wants it to be different for me. It is indeed different from her own experience and I am so happy she has been here for me.

She reminds me that she has lots of books about menstruation that we have read together before that I can read again whenever I want. She tells me that she also has books about sexuality that I can look at whenever I want. She lets me know that they may make me feel sexually aroused but that I shouldn’t be embarrassed about it. I tell her that I would love to look at them.

After my back rub, we decide that it’s time to go to bed. I go into the bathroom and pull the tampon out. I tell my mom that I want to sleep with a pad so that I can go to sleep feeling the pad between my legs and the blood dripping as a physical reminder of my period.

I ask if I can sleep in her bed with her and she says she would love it. I put on my new nightgown and crawl into her bed and into her arms. As I fall asleep on her shoulder, I thank her for the gift of this night.

She says that it is her gift to me - the gift of being female. As I drift off to sleep, she softly says that a night like this is every girl’s birthright.

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